Rambling New Year Thoughts

I posted in November. I am posting now in December. That's two months in a row, my goal is achieved! Now to just move those goal posts...

So the year's almost over. 2021 both felt like it dragged on and flew by. Just like 2020, actually. A million things happened. Both 2020 and 2021 feel like they don't actually exist and never actually happened. I don't think that bodes well.

Although I did get published this year. A poetry book, but still. Unicorn Valley should be out in 2022 at least - I am... plinking away at it. Slowly. Steadily.

My energy levels have been astronomically low lately. It's a mix of the holidays (which are officially almost over) and just not feeling great.

A few months ago, we had to put my dog down. A little over a week ago, it was my cat. Yeah. My mom and I both cried on Christmas Day because there were two little stockings missing (over the nice fancy faux-fireplace she made).

Other than that, I've just been... tired. Anhedonia has gotten me in its grip and won't let me go. I have had random bursts of inspiration and energy, which has lead to me absolutely demolishing any semblance of a sleep schedule. The best I've got is spending over 24 hours awake, followed by at least two hours asleep. Hyperfocusing is great when you've got 5+ hours of spare time. Not so great when you need to do literally anything else. Coming out of a panicked flurry of WordsWordsWords to realize I am dying of thirst and my stomach is clenching in hunger pains and also I feel like I'm about to collapse from exhaustion is not the most pleasant experience, especially because it means I have to make decisions and - ugh.

Beyond that, it's just a lot of exhaustion. I've been able to play video games and I've done some productive things, but mostly I am a gray cloud of executive dysfunction. I hate it, everyone around me hates it, but this is what happens with a brain filled with chemical imbalance. A friend recently suggested playing with my medications, but BOY that makes me nervous. I'm stable. Switching meds will cause instability, and with several months (yeah. months) where I was unable to get my medications I'm just relieved to not feel nearly as awful as I did before.

I did have a nice birthday and Christmas. Heck, even Thanksgiving was pretty good. My mom got pneumonia (again - this has happened every other year since 2015, just about) and I had to handle dinner all by myself. My dad helped a fair bit, especially with the dishes (thank goodness), but I did great. The turkey was melt in your mouth moist on my very first try.

I handled the turkey for Christmas again of course, but FORGOT TO PUT THE ALUMINUM FOIL OVER IT. So it was much dryer than Thanksgiving's turkey - except! "Much dryer", in this case, means it was about as dry as when my mom handles it. So I've gotten a lock on turkey and that's pretty impressive.

Two days later, it was my birthday. My parents took me out to Kneader's to eat and then we went to Hobby Lobby, where I got some alcohol ink markers. Did you know a pack of six Copic markers is sixty dollars? That's ten dollars per marker. I got the cheapest brand, which of course was Hobby Lobby's generic. They were half-off so I have 12 alcohol ink markers now.

Oh! They are so freaking smooth! So I've been coloring a fair bit this past month, just enjoying the new markers. I have to mix them in with my cheaper regular water-based markers, since I only have 12 colors (skintone pack and blues), but I've been enjoying it and I hope to eventually get more. Maybe next year for my birthday again?

And then Christmas. Other than putting down my cat the Tuesday before, Christmas was pretty neat. I got the RGB color-changing speakers I wanted and several very cool things, which include a pair of dragon earrings in the colors of the asexual flag. I wore them to church with my mom for the Christmas program the very next day, along with my nonbinary-flag bowtie (which I used as a bow in my hair, for stealth purposes) so that was very nice too.

I don't know, man. I'm kind of just rambling here. Right now I'm in the drop that happens after the holidays, the feeling that 'this didn't go on long enough' and all the regrets of the Things I Didn't Do (zoo lights! driving around looking at house lights!). I'll probably feel better some time in January, which I hope will consist of lots and lots of editing.

Editing is a curse. A curse, I tell you.

Not to mention the anxiety over actually publishing my baby story, this story that has been brewing in me for as long as I can remember. I'm going to share it with the world! That's terrifying. So definitely some of my procrastination can be attributed to that.

So, that about covers it. I'm not going to do any New Year's resolutions because I never follow through and then I just feel guilty. I'm just going to try my best and keep on truckin', as you do.

See you in 2022, which is two days from now!