Constant State of Exhaustion

Content mentions of suicidal thoughts, Autistic burnout, and trying to run on empty.

Lately, I've stumbled upon Autistic Twitter - a section of Twitter where autistics advocate for ourselves.

(Hi, yes, I'm Autistic, if you didn't know.)

The Autistic community has given me words for things I had no idea about, has given me the resources to describe my experiences.

Like the constant, underlying, low-level exhaustion that I constantly feel. Always. In everything. I am just exhausted. I don't need to do anything to be exhausted. I'm just tired. Sometimes I sleep. Sometimes I don't. It doesn't matter how much or what I eat, my quality or level of sleep, whether I do ANYTHING at all that day...

I'm just always exhausted.

It's a bone-deep, weary, all-consuming exhaustion. It's something that means I'm in tears if One Thing goes wrong; I get frustrated easily; I constantly feel incompetent and incapable.

It's burnout.

But not that type of burnout. I can still do things. I keep pushing forward. I have to make sure I have my medication, I have to make sure I'm eating, I have to make sure I'm writing and keeping things clean and I have to do this and that - oh, and there's no way I can stop supporting my friends!

I run out of spoons and start using forks, for anyone familiar with the spoon theory.

My gas tank has cycled back to 'full' after going to 'empty', but I'm pretty sure it's just running on water and fumes.

(Look, I'm a poet. I like metaphors.)

It's that constant low-level of exhaustion. It's that feeling that the world is moving without me. It's that constant feeling of "I should just kill myself because I can't function in the world".

Constantly.

Without end.

When I say constant, I mean 'I use escapism like a weapon because if I don't use it I'm going to stop moving'; when I say constant I mean 'The moment I let myself Think I'm going to think about that and I'll Stop and I can't stop because I have to keep doing things.'

Autistic burnout.

Autistics tend to agree on this: a lot of autism symptoms are trauma symptoms because there's no such thing as an untraumatized autistic. I can tell you: I was diagnosed with BPD for a while, something I don't have and never did. It's a common experience; autistic people diagnosed in adulthood go through depression, anxiety, and/or depression and anxiety before stumbling into autism or bipolar, borderline personality disorder, etc and then coming to autism and realizing "ah".

Not to say that these things aren't things; they are. And not to say they can't co-exist; they do. I'm very close friends with someone who has autism AND bpd; she's great, but from an outsider's perspective BPD is loud in a way other things aren't.

But, you know, you live life confused.

"Why is everything so hard for me?"

"Why can they do it but I can't?"

"Why does this matter? I don't understand."

"Why do I get mocked for doing this thing that makes me feel better?"

You have to embrace the fact you're cringe, you're Different, you're an outcast, a loner, someone unacceptable, or else you bury it so deep you stop recognizing what is You and what is the Act you put on to have friends. It's isolation or falsity on a level I don't think a neurotypical person can understand, although other neurodivergent allistics (non-autistic) probably are able to comprehend exactly what it means.

(If this rings true to you, if you can relate to things I'm sharing: hey, have you looked into an autism diagnosis? Also, I'm sorry, it sucks. Being autistic is great but society is a crapshoot.)

I live in a constant state of panic. I Know things aren't getting done, but I literally cannot do them. It's effort to just sit up, to talk, to function, to do basic self-care tasks. I spend all of my energy getting out of bed, eating, and showering every 3 days and I don't have enough for anything else. And even when I do, I'm unable to do anything else until the next few days.

Scrolling on my phone and playing video games and writing are not relaxing. It is necessary work to make sure that I don't fall apart. I don't enjoy things - or rather, I do enjoy things, but the things I enjoy require a stupid amount of effort. Every action is weighing what I get out of a task versus how necessary it is versus how much energy it takes.

(Spoon theory: burnout version. How long can you go pushing a car?)

I keep researching how to stop masking (making myself presentable. What is the best thing to say to This Person. Being presentable is individualized; I'm always analyzing my social stuff. I have basic scripts that I constantly modify to get more in-depth. I'm Good at it because of my hyperempathy, my 'I feel what everyone else feels'. So much fun to be near someone in a suicidal spiral because then YOU start...) and also how to recover from autistic burnout.

If anyone knows how to just Stop so you can actually recover, lemme know.

I'm at a loss myself.

Yes, sorry, this blog post is a bit depressing. But hey: I have achieved my goal! I've posted 2 months in a row!

Hopefully October will make it three. My editors are taking their sweet time with Unicorn Valley; I'm really waiting on them. I want to get it out by October, but I may have to push it back to even November.

Thanks, guys. They're doing it for free so I can't be like "hey get your butts on this!" but also... like... hey, get your butts on this!

Oh well. That's life, I guess. Ya suffer and then ya die.

(Yes, sorry, depressing, I know, I can only do so much positivity)